To Emote or Not To Emote…that is the Question
March 23, 2009
Why is it so difficult for men to understand…no accept their emotions? We can’t understand something we don’t yet accept. Has society done such a number on us that we would rather be stuck in denial while at the same time frustrated in relationships that don’t seem to meet our needs? You know some of the sayings, “Real men don’t cry, “ or “Never let ‘em see you sweat…” In the movie, “A League of their Own,” an exasperated Tom Hanks exclaimed, “There’s no crying in baseball!” to his all female team. He was mortified that these women did not have the same disposition as men when engaging America’s past time.
We salute the images of “Dirty Harry,” “Rambo,” and John McClain in “Die Hard”, ok so I’m dating myself. How about “The Transporter” or Ethan Hunt in “Mission Impossible,” Jason Bourne in “The Bourne Identity,” or the latest 007, James Bond, in “Quantum of Solace?” Are they what it means to be a real man? What is so hard about putting feelings to words and sharing them?
Well, #1) I don’t have a vast feeling word vocabulary, #2) I’ve learned it’s not very masculine to describe my feelings about my wife’s need to go dancing or quiet walks in the park, while sitting with the guys watching March Madness. I might share a thought but feelings words or my intentions! #3) a game, or some other recreational activity, is really the only time I get together with guys, and then we’re trying to be the best guys we can be!
My feeling words consist largely of good, fine and angry. I broke down one year and went to training at Equipping Ministries on becoming a better listener and I was amazed at the number of feeling words to describe being mad. When I’m mad, I’m mad. I’m not trying to break it down to levels like I’m bothered, ruffled, irritated, displeased, annoyed, steamed, irked, perturbed, frustrated etc. you get my drift. However I find that it does bring a bit more clarity…
Why do we find sitting down with our wives/girl friends listening to their heart felt desires is like nails shrieking down a chalkboard? What is it about our dysfunction that says, “Just get to the point, please?”
Perhaps it is our fixer mentality. We want to solve a problem not dissect it. Especially if we think we already have the answer. We want the sense of accomplishment. Besides, most of the time we process internally in silent mode. Women seem to process outwardly (by talking and talking to us, their mothers, their girlfriends…the stranger on the bus!) while coming to terms along the way to a conclusion. They often need to process and feel as invigorated by detailed analysis as we do by coming to a conclusion and providing our damsel in distress with the right solution.
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